Why we need to talk about death and dying

For a few weeks now, I have been allowed to accompany a client who lost her husband from one day to the next. He had said goodbye to her like every morning, but this time forever. She is in her mid-forties, had been living abroad with her husband for some time and is now suddenly all alone with two sons aged seven and ten.

She has asked me for support to process this shock, to consciously face the mourning process and all the feelings that go along with it. One is the many difficult emotions she has been facing for months such as indescribable pain, grief, anger, fear, overwhelm and sheer despair.

The other is the administrative matters. They both worked, but her husband took care of the financial matters. They had never talked during their marriage about what if (...). Now she unexpectedly faces a mountain of debt and other difficult financial challenges. And much of it can't wait, but she always finds the strength within herself to take the next step while being there for her children who need her so much. A strong woman and a deeply caring mother.

Each of us knows that the day will come when we die. What we do not know is when this day will come and under what circumstances we will leave our body. Nevertheless, many people are reluctant to deal with this fact, not to say that it is virtually avoided, literally "hushed up". Especially in the western world, our transience and death are often excluded from life as if they were not part of it. But we cannot avoid death, we can only avoid life by unconsciously or consciously denying death. 

Losing a loved one or being confronted with dying yourself, is undoubtedly an extremely profound and difficult "process" and often also because we have not "prepared" ourselves for it. There were no open conversations with partners, parents, family, children, friends.

And also none with ourselves.

Many years ago I was allowed to accompany my beloved grandfather when he died. An experience that I will never forget, because it was at the same time infinitely painful and healing. Healing, because it strengthened in me the feeling that death is not something to be afraid of, but a transition into something unknown. And that's exactly how it was when we were born, we didn't know what to expect. This realization has since been reinforced by insights that I don't want to put into words because they are my own. They took place during retreats, my ongoing seeking journey, Breathwork, rituals, in meditation and silence.  I also listened to teachers from different traditions and read books. Two of the most important ones were «the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying» by Sogyal Rinpoche and the autobiography  form Elisabeth Kübler Ross.

I feel that a conscious confrontation with death and personal transience is extremely essential, because it opens our eyes to our being alive, the beauty that surrounds us, the gratitude for the "here and now" and the humility of how quickly everything could be over. Life is precious and death is as much part of it as birth.